Dear GS,

It’s not the fact that I want a relationship out of you now, or that I want to be your girlfriend so immediately. All I wanted was to get to know you, and get intimate at the same time. That part where it hurted me the most was your answer to my question, when I asked you “what type of relationship do we have”, your answer hurted my feelings, no women want to be called as “Friend that hook up”, that sounds terrible. My immediately response is obviously - No way, let’s just be friends then.

I think you are just so scared of any terms that are relating to relationship, I don’t think they are quite that bad. I used to be a firm believer that all relationships are bad and they can suck up all your time. It seems like when you meet someone that is compatible, it works out, and it doesn’t drag a person down to the gutter. It’s supposed to add further happiness to each other’s live. Relationships are not co-dependency, I think that’s where people get scared the most.

I may be a confusing person, and I may be too straight forward or may sound a little bit demanding. The simple factor that made me this way is that, I don’t like inefficiency, I want things to be communicated well, so there won’t be misrepresentation on both parties in the end.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s very fun to kiss and be intimate. I really like it, and it feels amazing. The part when you mentioned that a guy and a girl can’t be friends, it’s completely bullshit. But who ones to be the friend that hooks up?

Anyway, this is just another mistake on my part, where I came up with assumptions about who you are and your personality, obviously, shit went to hell. I gave up.

Best of luck to you.

After spending sometime to ponder about - why I’ve always had such failing relationships. My friend repetitively told me that sex fuck things up, but I never thought that it is true, it has some truth to it. One of the guys that I used to like, of whom I also had a fling with twice, is getting married. Because of this incident, I’m really determined that guys don’t like girls who give them massive attention or anything relating to that sort. The truth is that girls find nice guys to be extremely boring. So this is proven to be really true, his ex girlfriend and I gave him the most attention, attentive towards him, and did not make him wonder if we had wondering eyes or not. The ending result of this master piece is that - he didn’t stick long enough for neither of us. The girlfriends that he really loved and cherished and also heart broken over were the ones that did not really give him massive amount of attention.

Let’s take that classmate for an example too, his bitch ex-gf (from his stories anyway) was with him for 6 years, and he kept on going back to her each time they break up. There must be some truth to it. I gave him tons of attention too. I recently saw this movie, the girl describes that a relationship is like a dance. It has to follow and the patterns have to move along with its rhythmic melody, it should be a push and pull scenario. I guess, it was always me pushing. Well, I remember dating this doc, I didn’t give him a lot of attention, but we just stopped seeing each other. In fact, I did the opposite of what I would usually do, I always waited for him to call and for him to make plans, and I never slept with him, just kissed.

Regardless of the doc scenario, I have determined to not give a fuck, and not give them any attention. Now, men should know why bitches were once angels because they turn us into this way, so we can survive through the dating “Darwinism” scheme. This goes for how nice guys turn into assholes too. I totally understand.

Maybe at one point when I actually meet a nice guy who doesn’t fall into all that trap, I’ll then turn nice again. Whatever I’m going to be myself, but just delimit the amount of attention to be give away. Maybe they just need some training, that’s exactly what it is, this sickening world.

I don’t think I’ll be dating anytime soon, it doesn’t seem like I have the time for it. I worked a lot today because I woke up quite early, I loved it. In fact I should go to bed now, so I can get up early again. It doesn’t look like I’ll be dating after April at least, I will be on the road again in Feb, and a mate from UK is visiting me in March, and I might be heading towards Asia in April for a business trip. I figure if I need to take my business further, I need to go there sooner or later this year to straighten out some stuff.

Adios!

Oh, there’s nothing better to end my night with a fucking money jar, I miss the corporate world for this reason…I always cursed at my computer when my Excel sheet fucks up, or some stupid computer shit…boy, that piece of shit…you would think a top entertainment firm that owns electronics would give you their brand of computer, but no, they outsource it to HP, what the fuck?

I’m actually quite a homebody, I love to stay home…Since I came back from Frisco a week and half ago, I’ve been staying in asides from going to the bookstore, grocery store, ran errands, and visited parents. I frankly enjoy the time being indoor, partly it’s due to the pouring rainy weather. We Angelenos are not used to such wet weather, we freaked out driving on the road when it’s pouring. We are spoiled by sunshine and warmth, call us spoiled brats please.

The truth is - I’ve been spending awfully quite some alone time with myself, and I enjoy it. I think up to today, I’m starting to get sick of it, but I have no desire to go out and be in the rain. Also, I’m trying to save money too, so I can further use it on other things.  It is really time for me to find internal happiness, and increase business revenue.

Okay, I took a tiny nap, and now I can’t go back to sleep, it’s 5:13AM. I have a really f-up schedule, maybe that’s how most whacko entrepreneurs are like, and I know that I hated to go to bed early when I was in the corporate world. Is it worse to not be able to go to sleep, or not be able to wake up? Who the hell sets up the normal schedule anyway, and why do we have to follow it like robots? I actually don’t right now, unless I need to call the east coast in the afternoon or so.

I somehow stop giving shit about the love life, it just feels that my life isn’t as organized as I wanted to be, like I need the business to grow, and grow, and grow really steadily. I would like to have a legitimate office location, where I go there to work, and I’ll have on location employees working for me.  It’s hard dealing with many vendors and manufactures, there are so many different types of personalities. You better believe it, everyone takes a different type of marination.

I’m not less argumentative or non-agreeable or outspoken about the truth, for a lack of a better term. I find it a lot more peaceful when I don’t push people’s buttons if I want to get my point’s across, if they want to be cheap and offensive to girls, fine, none of my business. It’s so much easier to be a little more feminine, but I need to learn how to be less competitive with men, at least know how to not be competitive, but still non-submissive.

I need to learn how to not be so kind in trying to contact those poisonous people. Just got to learn how to let go of those, sometime maybe if they aren’t repairable, then they should not be bothered.  I tried to contact this former colleague of mine and an ex-guy, they just totally ignored me, what the fuck? The former colleague was this chick of whom no one liked, so I hung out with her, I thought she was really fun and entertainment, but very negative. This ex-guy of mine, we used to always pop in and out, and we would always have really passionate friendship/relationship, and the last time we communicated, he told me that he misses me, now he totally doesn’t answer me? I think we are both very competitive with each other. It’s cool if he hates me, but he shouldn’t even talk to my friend and ask about me, chicken shit.

I’m done with guys, I haven’t felt the need of fulfilling my hormonal needs lately, it’s a sign that I absolutely do not fancy anyone. It’s a great thing. I need to be like that to stay focus on myself. If a cool person comes along, fine, I’ll try to work it differently this time, and not get too involve so fast, that’s what fucked me over with that classmate.

Okie dokie…I still daydream about Mr. Chicago and Mr. Politician sometime…heheeeeee! I might meet up with Mr. Politician when I go to Asia…we fatefully bummed into each other twice at univ, and I just had a feeling that he would join us for lunch that day at school, it was really strange! I’ll never see Mr. Chicago again, that’s fine. He was smart and hot! I haven’t seen much of his humour yet, but the MBA really turned me on.

Yeah, the result came out, I was worried over nothing! Well, it was something. I got my period! I’ve never been happier. I actually had some really cool Chinese herbal soup today, it cures cramps, bloating, stress, and all the goodies that women carry. I think in my next life, I’d like to be a man, a big penis man! Well, not so big, just a good looking smart with a good sized penis man. I wouldn’t doubt that I would be a man because I do find the girly women really sexy. Just that I can’t be a lesbian.

It’s a strange feeling, I don’t feel really lonely, and I don’t feel great. I feel like a lazy bastard, it’s a holiday tomorrow, I lost track of dates. I need to work extra hard this week, and not let a single opportunity fly by with the business. I need to make a trip to Asia and bring some more goods back, so I can sell it.

Maybe I’m just not ready to date because I have so many buts. Although, it would be nice to date someone, or at least develop a friendship or some sort. I need to get my act together. Let’s get with it.

So I’ve been freaking out since two days ago about missing my expected date for my period. I just took a pregnancy test, the result says negative, it’s 4 days after my expected period day. Sometime my period is irregular. I have been traveling, so maybe my pheromones  have changed because I have been around different women. It makes me nervous you know? I don’t want to be pregnant.

Fuck. This is not even worth it. Sex was not even great with that classmate, and now I have to worry about this panic attack. So not worth it.

Back in town now, and I feel like I have been traveling a lot. It’s strange to not know where I’d want to live in the near future, it seems like I want to move to everywhere, like Frisco and New York.

I had tons of fun hanging out with my good friends. I woke up early in mornings, took walks in the city. I still feel a bit anxious with what will be happening in the future. I feel an uncertainly of things - work life and personal life. I now have a lot better self control over myself, and not making decisions basing on emotions as much. It was a mess for me. I don’t want to develop hatre toward a person, that’s the worse thing in the world.

What I need to do now is to focus on my work, and just forget about everything.

I’ll be out of town again, seems like I’m doing tons of traveling these days.  I’ started to pay more attention on my business, not like I wasn’t paying attention, just things are better after the holidays, oddly to say.  I think I’m addicted to blogging, like I need to come here to spit out everything before I head to bed.

I briefly chatted with that classmate today, nothing serious, just that I had to inform that my jammy is still at his place. He was utterly cold, but he managed to inserted that he scored a date with a real scientist from an online dating site, and how aggravating it is to desperately find dates, that he needs to focus on his engineer projects.  Not only that, he added something about not having companionship, then he can work on his projects, and the world won’t know he exist until he becomes well known.

Just that last sentence alone, I sense some insecurity and arrogance. You don’t need some well known hi-tech invention to be recognized by chicks, homie! I think that he is a brilliant guy in what he does, don’t get me wrong, but when someone that arrogant, it makes you not want to proudly congratulate them. I don’t think he gives a crap about things, I was quite distant and so was he, but he was even more so.

I don’t think he’s handling things maturely, and why is that? He does not know how to say no to things bluntly, so he has to treat the other party like crap, so they can angrily run off, so he won’t have to deal with being Mr. Nice Guy and feel guilty about it. He is right on the spot about his self discovery on being a self-centered being, he’s absolutely right. I’m not going to say no to it, I totally agree with him.

How can someone define maturity by having no desire in enjoying the night life, having a finer life of wine tasting, or choosing to stay at home. Not only that, he defines a mature person by having a desire for a stable relationship that leads to marriage. Oh c’mon, grow up, open up your mind to see the horizon. People are not the same as each other.

Where is the bigger picture on defining maturity? Wouldn’t you think that it’s more important to define maturity by someone’s spiritual growth, experiences in life, learned wisdom, open mindness, able to find acceptance in others, and the ability to handle a situation in the most humble and peaceful way? When someone thinks that they are mature, it simply states that they aren’t mature enough to know that they are still immature, just by giving up the self-improvement opportunities.

I’m talking about him, it’s not simply because I still long to be with him. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO BE WITH HIM, I’m just analysing his behaviour. II dated this boy in college, and he was very narrow minded, I’ve dumped him after a  month of dating. I basically kicked him out of my place cause he sounded like a white supremacist, and this was that type of feeling. The classmate is not a racist person at all, but he is just judgmental. He only thinks his way is the right way, his arrogance will put him to his place in life. If he maintain his narrow-minded arrogance in judging others, he will have a difficult of making friends.  Not a great combination to find things adaptable. I can foresee that he’ll go through a midlife crisis with kids and a wife, then he would start to wonder about the things he had missed in life. Seems like he’s fine with it.

Okay, enough for the night.
Good night, world!

I had such a peaceful day today after working, and it was really PEACEFUL. I don’t give a crap about that classmate anymore, after some thinking, it’s the best that I’m not involved with him. I should not be responsible for his trauma, and his ex girlfriend can be the victim of that. I didn’t fuck him up, they fucked each other up. It is not my responsibility. If he’s going to be a jerk to me, then he can kiss my arse. It was stupid of me to stick around for so long, and actually treated him more than a regular friend. It was my mistake for putting myself in that situation.

I have come to my sense again that no one can make me happy, and that only I can make myself happy. I’m not even going to bother going to worry about having dates to fill the void, rather I’ll put more time into focus on myself, eat healthier, and exercise more.

Oh yeah, what is helping me with all this? I start meditating again, I want to master at it. It’s the greatest feeling of all when you can just toss any thoughts away, part of the reason why I’m so anxious is that my ADD thoughts take over, they are negative at times, and when they are positive, they make me do stupid things too - hence, like someone for the wrong reason.

I can’t sleep for the life of mine, just never drink tea before bedtime. It seems like I feel the shittiest around this time, my sadness reveals after 1am, it’s almost like a vampire coming out for the night, or an alienated creature that expose its dark side when the light is not shining. It’s almost too scary. How can I train my body to go to bed? I’m so used to this unusual schedule.

The moment I can’t sleep, I always think about shitty thoughts. How can you make someone like you? You can’t. How can you restart moment, and not fuck up on things? You can’t.

That attachment that we feel towards another human being is not something people should desire. It’s the the same attachment from a mother to a child, and it’s never pleasant when the child is being ungrateful. I just want to forget about him, you know? I don’t know how to do so. If I block him, it would just be too obvious that I did because I’m usually online. I don’t know how to just not answer his message, and I don’t know how to be cold, it’s almost like I feel guilty for being a bitch. I feel sorry for him, I pity his trauma.

It would be a pity that if he goes back with the toxic ex-gf of his, and he’ll not be happy. I almost feel responsible that I reminded him of his ex girlfriend when we fought, that made him miserable from it. You know what? I shouldn’t, it’s not my fault. He’s an adult, so fucking deal with it. He should not whine about it like a big cry baby.

I’m very bad at relationship, but very good at having flings. A grown 25 year old does not know how to have a relationship, pity me, yes. I’m going to be 26 in less than 3 months. I do not know how to feel. I feel that the quarter life crisis is hitting me hard, and that I feel like a big failure in the relationship department.

I think I’ve done enough bitching for the weekend.

Tata!